A few years ago, as our youngest child was moving out of nappies, my husband and I looked around and realised that while we had some good friends, we weren`t priorisiting that side of our family life. It had been years since we`d really made any new friends, and we weren’t local to most of our good friends anymore. With a bit more sleep and thus a bit more energy, it was time to think about what we wanted our network to look like.
And so we had a conversation that basically went along the lines of, `look, we`ve had our faces firmly turned down for the past few years – either looking at the tops of our children`s heads, or at the keyboards of our computers, working. It`s not too late to make new, lifelong friends, but we are going to have to give it some energy if we want that to happen.`
I realise now, that our thoughts weren`t so much about making a friend here or there, but on forming community with the people around us.
Fast forward to now, and we are have been privileged to have found not only beautiful and (God-willing), life long friends for both us and our children, but also true community.
And it`s caused me to pause and reflect.
If we have all heard the `it takes a village` adage, and if many of us would love to be part of one, how does it actually happen?
One of the misconceptions I have encountered in exploring the idea of community, is that community and friendship are synonymous. And look, friends are amazing and certainly central to community BUT, I have a lot of friends and I don`t have community with all of them.
Community is something else.
Friendship is fun, community is enduring.
Friendship is based on mutual interests or season of life, community is grounded commitment to each other through whatever life throws up.
Friendships are wonderful, community is life giving.
Friendship without community, can be lonely.
BUT most of the time when someone talks about a community these days, they are talking about a social media platform. It`s less about a cup of sugar and more about faceless, keyboard blustering or worse, how many Instagram followers you have.
This isn`t a critique of modern communication – there are obvious true benefits to the online world, but they generally lack the true depth, joy and yes, messiness of a real community.
So where do we find our village?
Is it family? Through our (kids) school? Church or sports/arts/local club?
Is it still a literal village, grounded in your neighbourhood?
For us, it`s a mix of all those things (though living in generally close proximity to one another definitely is a factor). But really, the where matters less than the how.
HOW do you find community? What makes a friendship tip over into community?
I started writing this with the assumption that friendship leads to community and as I reach the end of the post I think perhaps I’ve got it wrong.
In fact, as I’ve reflected on our own experience I have come to see that you can almost skip right over friendship and dive into community.
When I think about the places we have lived I can see how it happens. A neighbour knocks on the door on our first morning in a new city and offers to take our kids to the local market so we can unpack some boxes. They offer to let us use their air con unit to see if the same system would work at our place. They hear you like Gin so they bring a bottle over to share a drink with you. (Or more extreme but true, a neighbour invites you for a cup of tea and you counter with going away together for the night with the kids. And they accept!)
In all these instances the question isnt’ so much ‘hey, wanna be friends?’ but ‘hey, do you wanna actually help each other out because life is kinda hard?’
So when you do something stupid and need to text a neighbour to help you out, you may feel a twinge of embarrasment but you know it’s totally fine – they are up for it.
They dive in. You dive in. And community is there, so friendship is too.
I guess what I am realising is that often community happens first, when you take the plunge – and friendship flows from it.
BUT YOU BOTH HAVE TO DIVE. Whoever goes first, the other has to reciprocate.
And this is where I think we mostly fall down. We mistake the offer of community for an offer of friendship and so instead of DIVING IN WITH THEM, we offer politeness in response.
Hang on, is being polite the cryptonite of building community?
I’m not talking about the kind of polite that makes our society function, the respectful kind, that keeps us humane. I’m talking about the kind of polite that keeps people at arms length. That stops us from showing who we really are, and keeps a persona of having it all together. The kind of polite that stops us from inviting people into our homes, less they see our mess. The kind of polite that we think protects us but actually shuts us away.
In one of life’s cruel ironies, we don`t want to be vulnerable with people because it requires taking some scary steps, and instead we can end up completely vulnerable in our darkest hours.
Community requires vulnerability.
And because of that,
Community is intimate.
Community is safe.
Vulnerability is the word that is pulsing through me as I consider the key to building community.
If you want to build or participate in a village, you are going to have to get vulnerable. You cannot be in community with people if you hold them at arm`s length.
You are going to have to open your home, even if it’s messy (especially if it’s messy)
You are going to have to open your heart, your mind, your hands to others – and this will at times feel deeply uncomfortable and scary
You will have to put yourself out there and understand that rejection may well be part and parcel of this journey.
You will have to be prepared to be challenged
You are going to have to learn to parent alongside others
You are going to have to be OK with people parenting your kids
You are going to have know how to say ‘no’
You are going to have to say ‘yes’ more than you say ‘no’
You are going to have to look beyond your own families needs and desires
Sometimes it will be instant, sometimes it will take time.
Sometimes you will think you`re building a community but it turns out to be a casual friendship, or even a fleeting one. Sometimes this means you`ve made yourself vulnerable to someone who, as it turned out, wasn`t going to stay the course.
Eek, uncomfortable. But not the end of the world.
Maybe you know a different way, but for me in building community I`ve had to be vulnerable with people who haven`t turned out to be there for the long haul. On the flip side, that`s also the way I`ve found the ones who will be.
And it’s always been worth it.
xx
I love this – such fantastic reflections and a great challenge for us all.